"Good day, Madam! Please allow me to welcome you to the West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie. Might I offer you a moist towelette?"
"Um, no. I just need to order a cake for my son's birthday, please."
"But of course! We have many, many cakes to choose from. If I may point out on our Ménu dú Jöur, here you see we have our Incredibly Moist Chocolate Cake Uniquely Finished By Hand With Butter Cream Icing."
"As you can see, it is 'Great For Any Occasion.'"
"Finished by hand? Are you sure feet weren't involved?" [smirking]
[ahem] "Ah, yes, very amusing. Well, Madam, if that is not your particular cup of Earl Gray, might I suggest our Moist Gold Cake Uniquely Hand Finished Tastes Just Like A Real "WATERMELON"?
"Soooo, it tastes like a watermelon?"
"Not at all, Madam. It tastes like a 'WATERMELON.'"
"Ah."
"Ah, but I have saved the best for last! It is the pièce de résistance of our repertoire, the crème de la crème, the horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa! Behold!
"A Rich Belgian Chocolate Cup filled with a layer of moist yellow Cake, Fudge, and sweet cream Ice Cream and topped with fluffy white Frosting...
...and a menstrual duo."
"Ew."
"As you might expect, this is available but once a month."
...
"Madam? Wait! Where are you going?!"
Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Dawn C. and Aimee W. who are just glad that last one isn't red velvet.
Oh, and since *I* couldn't figure it out, I thought you might want to know that last label should read minstrel - which is apparently a type of cake. Plus, when Aimee pointed it out to the manager she shrugged, said they were all probably like that, and put it back on the shelf. Yay, quality control!
No one does "dainty" like our grandmothers did. Mine recently gave me a bunch of her old jewelry, and there are necklace pendants in there smaller than my pinky nail. I'm talking TINY.
Kind of like the little accent flowers on this bottom tier:
The green even has a slightly translucent feel to it, like leafy green depression glass. SO PRETTY.
Did your grandparents go through a cherub phase? Mine had art, statues, some particularly memorable soap dishes... but sadly, no gorgeous cakes like this:
YES. Grandma, I take back everything I said about your avocado green fridge. (But I stand fast on my opinion of mustard yellow carpets.)
Did/does your grandmother wear pastel skirt suits? You know, those woven ones that were kind of scratchy? And that always had a giant matching brooch on the lapel?
John, sweetie, I just want you to know that I think you are all the way beautiful. Not just handsome, but smart, and kind-hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you...
...again.
And maybe we'd have a couple of chubby, freckle-faced kids:
And we'd laugh ALL DAY LONG.
...and go camping, play Yahtzee, and tell ghost stories by the fire.
And every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God... that I was the appropriate maturity level for you.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.
I think you're very special.
And most of all, I wish you love, and I wish you contentment, and I wish you would put some pants on while I'm talking to you.
That's all.
“Eye”
“Heart”
“Ewe”
Thanks to Kate B., Judi G., Camille B., Aria P., Reba S., Jennifer L., Adrienne, and Jamie B. for helping me get that out there.
I know it can be scary asking a bakery to do something custom, like, say, a school or brand's logo. But DON'T PANIC; I'm here to walk you through it.
First, print out a nice, clear image to bring in as a reference:
With something as simple as this Chanel logo, you can be sure there is simply NO WAY...
...that the results won't be hysterical.
When ordering a Saints logo...
...it helps to have the patience of one.
Oh, and when you give the baker your reference image, be sure to mention how closely you want your cake to match; some bakers take it more as a "guideline" than an actual rule.
"Why'd you use the S?!" "Because I don't know what the F is going on!"
Still, the most important thing, my friends... is to be glad you aren't ordering a Texas Longhorns cake.
Because seriously, that thing is the Kobayashi Maru of cake orders:
...you can't win.
(But hey, at least this one's got heart!)
Thanks to Amy B., Ashley B., Candace F., Amy B., Allison, & Chris L. for getting that last one off his chest.
For Chocolate Day we decided to illustrate a beloved children's classic.
I highly recommend hitting play and reading along:
(Note: Mild language at the very end. Also, it’s a Morgan Freeman impersonator.)
Everyone Poops
An elephant makes a big poop.
A mouse makes a tiny poop.
A one hump camel makes a one hump poop.
A two hump camel makes a two hump poop.
Hahaha, only kidding.
Fish poop...
...and so do birds.
And bugs, too.
Different animals make different kinds of poop.
Different shapes, different colors, even different smells.
Which end is the snake's behind?
What does whale poop look like?
Some stop to poop, others do it on the move.
Some poop here or there. Others do it in a special place.
Grownups poop. Children poop, too. While some children poop on the potty, others poop in their diapers.
Some animals poop and pay no attention. Others clean up after themselves. These poop by the water:
This one does it in the water. He wipes himself with paper then flushes it down.
All living things eat, so everyone poops.
Thanks to Stephanie M., Beth W., Lisa R., Dede H., Robin, Robin E., Anony M., Anna O., Anthony S., Wendi P., Anita C., Cassandra M., Christie D., & John W. for our crappiest post yet.
(Can you believe none of those were supposed to look like poop? Except maybe the rainbow swirly one - which I'm guessing is unicorn poop, and therefore gets a free pass.)
(SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
*****
P.S. In case your life was missing a set of cat butt magnets, I found you some:
What do you get when you go into a Mexican bakery, where they speak English, and ask them - in Spanish - to write "Happy Birthday" in English?
I mean, besides confused.
You get this:
Which, if I remember my 1st grade Spanish, means "The Happy Complaining Eagles."
Wait.
I took French.
[Googling]
Ah. "Happy Birthday English!" I guess that does make more sense.
Or...
What do you get when you go into a Chinese bakery and ask them to write "Congratulations Ian!" in both English and Chinese?
You get some reeeally enthusiastic “Englrsh chunese”, that's what.
Hey, I'm actually starting to feel a bit better about U.S. bakeries! Maybe we're not the only wreckerators out there. Maybe there are places even worse off in the wreckage department!
Never mind. Feeling's gone.
Thanks to our wrecky ambassadors Chris L., Mary S., and Kendra P. for fostering international unity. In wrecks.
*****
P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:
These little ninjas are EVERYWHERE. In fact, there's probably one behind you. You just can't see him, because he's a ninja. And also probably really small.
Then there are the LEGO video games, which have taught us that every beloved movie character is at least 43% cuter when LEGO-fied:
That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is Cheesecake Wreck Day.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"
Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:
[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"
Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.
So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?
BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!
Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.
I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!
What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?
Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:
Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.
Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:
The question is, can you tell which layer is which?
Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!
*****
P.S. If you also enjoy cheesy puns, then BRIE-HOLD!
I'd feel like a heel if I didn't unleash a pack of thanks on Heather W., Nicole O., Erin R.., Catherine S., Sara S., Lysa R., & Thomas R. for taking pictures rather than going barking mad.
[very polite Englishman] "Yes, I'd like to order a baby shower cake, if I might. Something perhaps a bit creepy. Not fond of the mother, you see."
[very polite English salesman] "Yes, of course, of course... Might I suggest our Face of Birth cake?"
"Hm, yes, it is quite creepy, but I was thinking something a bit more, if that's not too much trouble?"
"Not at all, sir. Perhaps this will be more to your liking?"
"Oh, that is unsettling... but could we remove the body?"
"Say no more. I've just the thing:"
"Yes, yes, I can see how that might send a bit of a shiver. Could we maybe bury the baby IN the cake, though? Perhaps add a crustacean?"
"Ahh, the old 'crustacean on half a newborn!' That's my specialty, sir, and it's quite creepy - if I do say so myself."
"You know, I truly appreciate your effort, my good man, but I think we've missed the mark. I tell you what: just make something vaguely baby shaped and slap it on the ugliest cake you can find. Think we could do that?"
"Of course, sir, and may I compliment you on your excellent sense of humor? I shall have it post haste."
Thanks to Britani, Valentina V., Alexia O., Alison P., & Zahirah for the ruddy good time.
*****
P.S. If the parents were born in the 90s, bring this to the baby shower, too:
![[syndicated profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/feed.png)
cakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-19 01:00 pm
